He Waits
by nijijin
Summary: RLSS Light Slash Severus doesn't know what Remus is waiting for.


Title: He Waits

Author: Nijijin

Rating: R

Pairing: RL/SS

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me…but aren't they so much fun to borrow?

Feedback: Gently please.

Notes: Severus discovers what Remus is waiting for.

Spoilers: Not really…after war speculation

Archive: Sure

"His goal was to see Harry through school, Severus. He has done so and…"

"And then what, Albus? Did he mention any plans?"

"No, none and I did try to ask, but Remus was rather evasive."

"And you did not find that strange? You made no attempt to change his mind?"

"Of course I did. I begged him to reconsider, as many more youngsters besides Harry would benefit from his lessons and guidance. Remus was adamant."

"And once again, that did not seem off…a bit odd? Especially since Lupin adores the brats?"

"Oh my dear boy, I must confess, though the war is over, everything seems off. Those evil times have taken their toll and it will be quite awhile before any sort of normalcy returns to our lives. You know full well recovery has been long and difficult for Remus. He is tired Severus, perhaps he simply wishes to rest, and feels he can, now that Harry is moving on."

"You know perfectly well there is more to it, Headmaster."

"Be that as it may, the situation remains, next year Hogwart's will once again be without a DADA professor. The position is yours, if you wish it, Severus."

"I…I see. I will need time to…think on it."

"By all means, take time to plan. Graduation is still more than a month away. I suspect you may only have until then to convince…to decide on a course of action."

"Thank you, Headmaster."

"And Severus…"

"…"

"Yes, I am very worried and afraid for him. I believe he means to disappear and never return, but he was unreceptive to anything I had to say."

"I will do what I can, Albus, but there is even less reason for Lupin to respond to me."

It has been some weeks since Albus offered the DADA position to me. How typical to finally attain something I no longer desire.

I assumed that our war hero werewolf would remain in the position until he retired or died…by then, an old, doddering, but well loved relic still wearing those idiotic cardigans, no doubt. I was quite resigned to the idea that Lupin would likely remain here to continually pester me, meddle in my affairs, and endlessly thank me for making the Wolfsbane potion.

Imagine my shock upon learning that Remus would not be returning next term.

Only recently did I begin to take notice of his changed demeanor. Yet, his reticent behavior was not surprising. After all, he was still recovering from critical injuries sustained during the final battle. Staying calm and quiet, tiring easily, moving slowly and carefully would not be uncommon.

Now, knowing his intentions, I should have realized that Remus' physical condition was really no worse than what he normally suffered after his monthly transformation. Even during those painfully difficult times, his enthusiasm, positive outlook, and cheery attentiveness remained a nauseating constant. Traits, that one might be inclined to consider admirable, had greatly diminished since the end of the war.

I find myself watching him more closely now. Clearly, the werewolf is…shall we say, not in his right mind.

Lupin is easily distracted. While he may appear interested and entertained when listening to co-workers, he no longer actively engages in conversations. If asked what the discussion was in regards to, I highly doubt Remus would be able to tell you. When coaxed to join in, he may make a remark or two before pretending to return to his reading.

Of course, everyone knows of his reading obsession. He normally devours the written word with relish. The self-proclaimed bookworm will pull a tome out anywhere. Even in a ditch, mind you. He did so, many times, when we were partnered for various missions. These days, a book is more often held in his hand, forgotten, as the werewolf stares off blankly.

Lupin spends an inordinate amount of time staring out of windows. When happenstance allowed me a chance to look out the very same casement, there appeared to be nothing of interest.

Several times I have followed the werewolf (by chance and quite discreetly) when he has abruptly veered off to step outside. Again, there seemed to be an urgency to see or find something that was not there.

Though not unpleasant, but noteworthy for its oddness, Lupin has made no attempts to strike up a connection to me. He has not tried to "drop by" for tea. Conversations are kept to a minimum. Just the usual "thank you, Severus" when the monthly goblet is passed between us. When we have been at meals, in the staff room, or passing in the halls, he has only given me an acknowledging nod.

We were actually better acquainted during the war.

It is as though his physical body is here, but that which comprises Remus is only ever fleetingly present. I find his detachment most annoying and rather rude.

At this moment, I am waiting patiently just outside Lupin's classroom door, listening to one of the final lessons he will give the 7th years, or any students for that matter. It is somewhat comforting, not necessarily to me, but certainly to the students, that Remus has remained a brilliant and inspiring teacher. He persists in wasting his time by engaging his charges in thought provoking discussions, useful exercises and what the children seem to consider rather enjoyable projects. He maintains the unwarranted hope that they will learn something valuable. The pupils begin to stream out of the room after Lupin, a bit too jovially, dismisses the class.

I enter the room unnoticed, or he would not have allowed his 'happy' mask to slip as he slumps into the desk chair.

"Was there something you needed, Severus?"

I am reminded that werewolf senses are quite keen, after all.

"How tiresome that you once again have forgotten the Wolfsbane potion, Lupin."

"I haven't forgotten. You're just here earlier than I expected."

"Some of us, do have other plans…ah…but as I understand it, you apparently do also."

I raise a questioning eyebrow and have absolutely no idea why I decide to start this now. He does not look at me as he gets up, takes the goblet from my hand and moves to gaze out the window yet again.

"So, Albus has told you…or…yes, of course, he's offered you the DADA position. Congratulations, Snape. The job you have always coveted and your life-long enemy no longer a thorn in your side. You must be quite pleased."

Lupin's tone holds more than just a hint of bitterness. He has not called me 'Snape' in years and I find it…unsettling. But it is what he implies that strikes a strange chord.

"As long as I am to brew this concoction, Lupin, you will always be a thorn in my side. Surely, I will merely be owling it to whatever sandy beach your mangy self is lying on."

He hesitates and I have grown to know his expressions well over the years. He is about to tell me, not exactly a lie, but an evasion.

"I've made alternate arrangements. It will no longer be necessary for you to prepare it."

"Really! How kind of you to think of me, Lupin. Tell me, what kind of arrangements? As far as I know, I am the only Potions Master who knows how to brew this to match your metabolism exactly. Incorrectly done and it could ruin any health you have regained…or…it could be lethal. But perhaps that is what you are hoping for?"

"Of course not, Snape. Can't you simply be happy that your life will be less cluttered? Ordered, quiet and unchanging, exactly as you like, leave it at that."

"Bitterness does not suit you, Lupin."

"And caring doesn't suit you, Snape!"

I am taken aback by his sudden vehemence. My own confused thoughts come to the fore as well. Lupin is right, should I not leave well enough alone? To have the last surviving Marauder slip quietly away…peace at last…what more could I wish for?

"Drink your potion, Lupin, before it gets cold."

I can think of nothing else to say. Remus finally looks at me, incredulous. With a snort of disbelief and a mutter that sounded like 'yes, mum' he gulps down the foul liquid and hands the goblet back to me.

"What exactly do you plan to do, Lupin?"

"I…I don't know, Severus. I can't explain…really. I just feel as though everything is moving along, just as it should…except without me. It's as though I've forgotten some…but I can't wait any longer."

"You are making absolutely no sense at all. It is quite…disconcerting."

He walks back to the window before replying.

"My apologies, we wouldn't want you to be disconcerted, now would we?"

"Do shut it, Lupin."

"Thank you, for the potion…good night."

Clearly, he has no intention of continuing and I begin to leave.

"Severus?"

I turn to see him smiling at me, intently. I have not seen that look, nor felt this peculiar tug in my chest in many months.

"Look…I really am sorry for being so rude. This is likely the last time I'll have a chance to speak to you at length. I plan to leave directly after the Graduation ceremony. Let's not part on bad terms…hmmm? I do wish you every success and happiness, Severus. Truly, there is no one who deserves it more."

He approaches me then, hand at the ready. I glance down at the long tapered fingers and hesitate. Not because of some long forgotten hate, but because taking his hand clearly signals the end of our long association.

Yet, that is what I want after all, is it not? Finally, I take his hand in mine and am surprised at the coldness of it. I do manage to cover my gasp when I find no hint of that chill in his gaze. Instead, amber warmth bathes me with kindness, goodwill and even affection.

So flustered am I, that I can only give a quick nod before turning and fairly bolting from the oppressive room. Blindly I rush back to my quarters and then cannot seem to get inside and put up the wards fast enough. Leaning back on the door, I try to regain some equilibrium before opening my eyes.

And when I finally do, they fall upon, what had Lupin called it, my 'ordered, quiet and unchanging' life. My eyes travel around the rooms. Ingredient bottles are neatly and alphabetically shelved. My desk and workbench are cleared and clean. My chair and settee hold no clutter.

A place for everything and everything in its place…just as it always has been and just as it will likely be five…ten…fifteen years from now.

Slowly, I slide down the door coming to rest on the slate floor and pull my legs up to my chest. 'Everything' does not include photos of a loved one, past holidays and special occasions shared. Nor does it include a smattering of odd mementos, and truly horrible birthday gifts. A familiar cardigan is not casually tossed over a chair. House slippers are not lying where the owner has carelessly kicked them off. The remnants of tea for two and a well-played chess game do not await the players' return.

I shake my head, finally understanding what Remus was trying to say…I am a stupid, old, fool.

After offering many distasteful but obligatory congratulations to the matriculating students (ugh…Potter and his ilk) I quickly slip away from the reception. The last part of my cunning plan is nearly in place. Remus is so engrossed in greeting and presenting a small gift to what seems to be each and every graduating student, I feel sure there will be plenty of time to reach his quarters before him.

His rooms hold no personal items. All that remains are the school issued furnishings and a rather scruffy looking duffle bag. I drop my own case next to his and sprawl myself in an armchair…waiting.

I open my eyes, but make no move when his door creaks open. I turn his direction and smirk at his clueless confusion when he sees our travel bags next to each other. Nor can I help the ungainly snort when his eyes seem to, what is the muggle expression, 'bug out' when he first glimpses me.

He has never seen me in khaki pants, short sleeve shirt and sandals. Doubtless he is in shock, as he currently appears to be imitating a fish while continuing to stare at my toes.

"Sev…Severus? Are you going somewhere?"

"No, Remus, I wanted to try my hand at cross dressing but this is the closest my ordered, quiet, unchanging self could get. Of course, we're going somewhere you idiot."

He is even more flustered and now seems to be hopping about.

"Remus…I'm Remus…what…we're going somewhere…you and I…us…I can't believe…I gave up hoping…a place…where…where are we going?"

Finally, I stand up and move towards him. He unconsciously takes a step back, not really sure if I have perhaps gone insane. I gently take his hand, and drop the portkey into his palm.

He looks down at it, blinks furiously for a moment before finally blazing the brightest grin at me. In all the years I have known him, never have I seen this expression grace Remus' face…never have I been the recipient of such a splendid look. Oh and that familiar delicious tug in my chest returns in full force. He happily presses the small plastic pineapple to his chest perhaps still not believing this is happening.

"We are going somewhere that will hopefully have those miniature umbrellas to decorate your Wolfsbane goblet."

He laughs then, truly laughs before shaking his head. Suddenly 12 stone of werewolf launches towards me and I find myself engulfed in his warm embrace. I have no choice but to wrap my arms around him as well. After a comforting hug, I step back to grab our bags. Remus leans into me, nuzzling my neck. It is utter bliss and I cannot help but turn my head to press a lingering kiss to his lips. It is a hint of things to come five…ten…fifteen years from now. We break the kiss but still hold each other and prepare to activate the portkey.

"What are we waiting for?"

"Nothing, Severus, nothing at all."

Fin


End file.
